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life mastery with Avatar®
Reconnecting to the Whole, by Brenda Jones-Rafferty
As far back as I can remember, I always felt separate, alone, not like other people. I didn't feel special or set apart, but was always trying to fit in and be like the others, to be included and accepted. All I experienced was this deep feeling of no real connection.
I grew up wanting to be a dancer, and worked very hard at it. But after two years of college, I got married, and then worked for three years doing data processing. Ten years and two babies later, I completed a degree in computer science, and went on to get an MBA in financial systems. At 29, I found myself with a family and an "acceptable career," yet the old feeling was still there: I didn't belong.
When I first took the Avatar® course, there was a particular exercise that invited me to examine the identities or self-images from the past that I had experienced, resisted experiencing, or explored. I knew I had chosen to experience such self-images as dancer, mom, wife, student, programmer, teacher. But I wasn't quite as clear about the ones I was resisting experiencing -- after all, there were some identities that no "sane" person would want to be.
After doing that exercise, my experience of being with other people began to shift. I was more at ease. While I still didn't quite feel like I was a part of the whole, the feeling of total separation had somehow softened. The prospect of feeling connected and okay beckoned and teased me to keep following that thread until I could unravel the whole thing.
I followed that thread of separation every chance I got -- through the Master's Course, the Professional Course, the Wizard's Course, and in delivering Avatar myself. As I did, the pieces of my belief system were gradually revealed: "I am fundamentally flawed. I am an innocent victim. If it hurts, they will never know. You can only be hurt by those who really know you. Once they really know you, they won't like you. To be included, you must be submissive and subjugate yourself. They have the power to hurt you. Don't be too noticed, or they will kill you. I am my physical body, and nothing more."
As I released (discreated) these beliefs, my experience of who and what I am and my relationship to all the others changed. I began to feel at ease in the presence of many types of people, in many different situations. Then this past January, at the Wizard's course, it cracked wide open. Once again I was doing the identities exercise, when I suddenly experienced myself as each of the identities I had taken on -- consciously or unconsciously -- and all the identities that I had assigned to others. In that moment, I saw that I was creating the separation. All of it.
And at the same moment, all the separation and the feeling of being alone just melted away, leaving me with a profound love for all of the others. For the first time in my life, I realized I had never been alone, that I would never be alone again.
This is the experience of integration, "the process of ceasing to identify oneself with a location or definition and gradually assuming the beingness of a larger whole." Never again will I be a narrow definition of myself. I have reconnected to the whole.
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